End Of Third Semester

Finally holiday!!!!

I've passed this semester.
So many stories I want to tell but I couldn't put it into words nicely.

I joined a committee for an event in my department and it was totally worth it. I love the people I'm working with. They were all good. What I really like about them was how they praised us (the volunteer) after the event which was good because many people rarely did that now. It was only a "Thank You" but it was a really genuine one.

To end my semester, I got the chance to performed in (a kind of ) an international event and it was a good one. Though I got a bit disappointed by the committee but that was okay. What's important I got a good day. But I lost my jacket and it was my fault. I forgot to take back my jacket after I left the hotel, bye my green jacket :( it was my favourite :(


Lastly,

I got closer to this boy but I still confused sometimes. I don't think I still have the right mind (or heart) right now because I think it doesn't work properly for a lot of reason so I don't know how to feel or act about this. My last wound is too deep yet he's so vague (or it's just me who is too dense to feel it). I hope I didn't take the wrong signals.

Right or wrong I don't think this is going to work.
Because we really going to have a big problem in the future if this continue.
But now, I will just enjoy my teenage life.
Soon enough, ready or not, I won't have the time to do what I like anymore.

A Little Free Time

Hi guys,

I've been busy

This is the most busiest semester so far.

I almost got anxiety attack today. (Or maybe did I?)

Holiday is in a week yet there are still so many things to do. I feel so exhausted.

I haven't have my time alone.

Talking about me-time,

I got a little free time today, I used it to watch a drama called Nazo no Tenkousei. It's a good one, but if you are not interested with sci-fi thing, it would be boring and looks weird. But it had really deep meaning if you really tried to understand it.

I don't have many story to tell today but I feel like to write something.

Well I do have one but I don't know should I write it.

So,

Good bye for now.

.

hey,

it's rare for me to write in midday but i've been holding this all night and i'm really in a bad mood

today is holiday and i planned on going home today (suddenly) because my friend will go back to Germany in a week. i haven't seen him before because when he arrived (to our country) i went back to my current town (uni life started).

yesterday my other junior high friend told me that my friend is upset because he's home and nobody is there for him. i know how he feels, he traveled enough from another country just to meet one of his friend but they're not there.

i promised him that i would hang out with him when he's here but the timing was bad.

i told my mom that i wanted to go home
and she didn't let me because my friends here didn't

you can't argue with me without your logic explanation,
so of course, i don't approve that reason.

i told her what's the problem,
i don't and i won't listen if it's because "you're going to go alone to the airport"
i always travel alone and she knows that so why do i need company?
that would not be the first one i'm going to the airport alone.
i'm used to it.

she told me that it's because of traffic
so what's with the traffic? it's reality.
she told me she couldn't pick me up
what's public transportation are for?

i told her that i don't want to loose anymore friend.
because i did over stupid reason.
but she lectured me about me going to meet other people in the future and etc.etc
like i don't know that would happen.
i don't need anymore people because every one of them have disappointed me.
i told her i don't have any uni task and that i really wanted to go home
but she told me that i should just focus on my study and that i couldn't keep in touch with my old friends because they're focusing on their dreams. that's not the problem. i don't go out with them because a lot of reason.

i've told you before that this major i'm studying
is not what i want

so do you think i have one?

Questions

Hi

There are a lot of thoughts in my mind right now.

Have you ever feel like you are in the wrong path?
Is it wrong to really do what you want?
Who's the wrong one?
Is it okay to tell what's in your head?
Will people hear me?
Even though I've tried many times, why doesn't it work to me?
Am I not good enough?
Why do I can't make any progress?
Which path should I really choose?
Why doesn't it want to give up?
Should I stop?
Should I forget?
Why do they ask people to do things?
Why does it hurt?
Do I have my priorities right?

What do I really want?
Is it okay to be like this?
Can I do it?
Should I stay?
Is it okay to always act like this?
Am I okay?
Am I wrong?

Negative

I'm feeling so down these days.

Like, I always have negative thoughts in my head and I can't stop it.

I'm kinda tired of it.

I can't move forward.

I'm stuck.

World Without Trust

Hey.

So my anxiety hit me again and I don't know what to do so I'll just write everything here.

I think I really have no trust to people. I might look like I trust but I don't and I really don't know what to do.

What I'm trying to tell, I have world without trust.
I tried many times but they betrayed me and no, this isn't just me feel this way. I choose the wrong person many times and that made me like this. World without trust is suck. Because you can't tell people what's really in your head and all you can do is write in a blog like this, even it's just small things.

And I hope you guys doesn't feel the way I do. You really need someone to talk. To ease your mind.

Good night

What About Dreams

Hey.

I've been stressing up lately because my mind won't shut up and it comes in the wrong time. Really. I have so much works lately but I keep on procrastinate it until now and deadline is in two days. What a mess.

I told my mom that I don't really know if this major right now really is a good one. I made her worried once and I don't want to make her worry me again because of some stupid thoughts.
But this thing is always in my mind and I don't know how to not give a damn.

I still feel I'm in the wrong major.

I opened up my instagram and saw some friends's posted their activity that related to their major. I'd remember to my last task where I didn't really gave my best to do it. Like it was all for 'I should pass this thing'. I'm not curious enough to do something related to it.

I feel bad for them who really wanted to go study this major but couldn't do it just because my test score is slightly greater than them. You might ask me, "Why did you take that in the first place?"

Let me tell you,
I literally choose different major in every tests form.
Because I really don't know what I really want. Even if I know I don't know mom would like it or not. Does it meet her standard or no.

And if I really know what I really want, will I be able to do it properly?
If you say 'You should do what interest you' well,
I love music.
But I only know how to play violin and a little bit of guitar. Even my violin play is just a so so. Nothing would give you goosebump or what. I'm having a hard times reading notes. All this time I played by hearing (and it's not that perfect match with the actual notes). I don't have good voice. I heard from my best friend that took music as her major and she said "You should be able to sing. Because it's basic and they're testing it on their entrance exam" I don't even like my voice. lol.

I really messed up things.
Being a thinking machine is really not good. Because you literally can't stop thinking.
I need to talk to someone who I believe that he will makes me calm down a bit. But will he still hear me out?

What makes me even more conflicted that my mom said that I should believe on what's God has given me because maybe He has His own plan for me.
But you know, this might be a sin if i say this but
maybe I have a low faith. But it doesn't mean I doubt Him or doesn't believe in Him.

Maybe I just can't accept things the way it is?
God, I've sinned.

LIFE SO FAR

have not been update anything since my last post. I was too busy with uni tasks huhu BUT NOW SECOND SEMESTER IS DONE AND I'M ON MY HOLIDAY YEAY

oya, about my performance with my senior, it was good for a starter though we messed up hahaha but that's okay. It had been a long time since my last performance, kinda nervous heu.

And now I'm joining several committee for some events in uni. Because I'd been inactive kid during senior year I kinda regret it. I've signed up like three events and I got accepted in all three and it's draining me already though they haven't reach the most busy part (;´д｀) I don't even think I'd get the chance in the first place. Now I kinda regret it. Maybe I won't sign anything up on next year.

So that's for now. I'm gonna talk about what's in my head lately but not todayy.

Good night people.

Not So Me Time But Me Time Anyway

Today is the best day yeay.

I played violin the whole day. I can't even describe how happy I am.

Even though I got ( kinda) panic because I haven't do uni tasks huhu.

Oh, and I did a duet with Saxophonist. He's my senior at uni. We're planning to perform on one of my uni event. Hope it goes well.

We were planning to go at two but he fell asleep zZz,

He picked me up at three and played until 05.30 wohoo.

We're going to play Beauty and the Beast's OST, yes, a good song right.

But we had a hard time arranging the song. Yes, we're noobs. Thank you.

He said that my notes are different from him. He said that his notes is half (?) lower than mine. Hzhhzhz. I don't really understand. 

And I've learnt something from him today,

He told me that he wanted to take music school but his mom told him it's not going to be a good idea for a man to take that department because all men hold big influences on their family. He will be the head of his family so he needs a proper job in the future and here in our country, being a musician isn't a good idea unless you're born with talent (?)

I told him that we're similar and he said that it's actually okay if I take it because I'm a woman (uh oh kinda sexist, but that's not what he meant, really)
Well, but I didn't have that fine family background so my mom taught me that if you're a woman, you must have a proper job too to prepare anything in the future so yeah, she didn't let me, lol.

So that's all what I'm going to write for today.
I'm gonna fix my sleep timeline. hhh.
Night people.

World.

Good things about writing a blog without any readers you can blurted out your feelings here with no one going to be offended for what I write. 

I am that person who can't really talk about all my feelings and what's going on in my head by talking because I don't want someone misinterpreted what I'm trying to say. Yes, I'm bad talkers.

My twitter used to be my place to literally express everything about my feelings but not anymore. Some people I don't know followed me and as I don't want to be rude (because I did talk to them several times) so I followed back. A stupid reason, I know but I have a deeper reason for that I can't explain it here, so let it stay just like that.

Anyway, this is going to be a long story.

Today, I hit someone's car. It was my fault and I understand it. We talked, we changed phone number so tomorrow we'll go together to a car repair. My friend decided to help me with it. She knows really well that I couldn't do the talk so she did it. 

I do really understand my mistake and I don't complain anything but what I can't stand how people can't really get enough to what other's are willing to do. I feel like a dumb writing this, really. It's like I don't want to accept my mistake. I know it's my fault but asking too much for a repair? I mean, yes, I will cover up all of it and I know it's already take a lot of money just for the headlights, but saying you don't have any car insurance even though it's a new car? (okay, I don't want to have a negative thinking towards them and I know for sure, for writing something like this I've that negative thinking), and asking to go to a car dealer? God I feel like a dumb writing this. Yes, I know. I'm not a car expert but just by looking at it, the outer is the fatal one. I'm okay with the headlights if you want to change it to the exact dealer because they only sell it there but repairing the outer to the dealer would cost a lot of money more than if you just repair it in a car repair shop. Again, it makes me look like an idiot. I know exactly my mistakes, I know the consequent but I'm complaining here. haha. What a contradiction. But I think, they exaggerated it. 

I told my mom about this and she didn't even get mad at me. I mean, of course she was. But she didn't yell like she always do when I don't eat my food or I'm being sooo picky-eater (I am that picky). She asked me if I'm okay and told me what I must do, told me to be more careful. I can't even say a word. I have the best mom in the world yet I couldn't make her happy. I don't even know how to repay everything for what she'd done to me. I'm so sorry mom for being a burden.

Last, my friend, her bf, and her bf's friend going to help me tomorrow. I don't know why they want to help me because they don't know me in the first place, but they are willing to help.

I can't sum everything here. But I hope you know what I meant.

Have a nice coffee. 

Life So Far.

Finally I have a little time to feel a bit relax.

This semester is killing me slowly.
So many group projects and presentations.

I can't work in group,
I can't talk in public.
To sum up, worst semester for me.

And my anxiety didn't help at all.

Had my worst anxiety attack last week and I couldn't even tell it with anybody.


I have mechanical engineering mid term test next week, a report to submit, presentation, and mock up to submit.

I know I shouldn't be worry,
but,
I can't calm down.

Bye people.

Life and More Doubts.

I'm back again with reality, yeay.

Tomorrow will gonna be my first day on second semester and I'm not ready. Woohoo.
And by the way, I'm starting to doubt my major huhu.

The same question keeps coming in my head,
"Is this really what I want?"
It's not that I can't follow up every subject,
I'm going to say that my first gpa was pretty good.
But.. I don't know. Seeing my best friend, taking what she wants as her major makes me kinda jealous. My mom didn't allow me to take what I want, so I thought it was gonna be a bad idea if I forced my dream. Because there is this saying in my country, 'if you don't get permission from your parents especially your mom, then it's going to be hard to happen or something bad will come to you'
It's kinda stupid to believe that I know. But, every time my mom says no, something bad happens to me HAHAHA :(

Still, I'm going to tell you people,
Do what your heart says and if you have a dream, go get it. Seriously.

Because you could end up like me.
Doubting.
Confuse.
Questioning.
Regrets.

I don't even know what I want for life now.