Hey.
I've been stressing up lately because my mind won't shut up and it comes in the wrong time. Really. I have so much works lately but I keep on procrastinate it until now and deadline is in two days. What a mess.
I told my mom that I don't really know if this major right now really is a good one. I made her worried once and I don't want to make her worry me again because of some stupid thoughts.
But this thing is always in my mind and I don't know how to not give a damn.
I still feel I'm in the wrong major.
I opened up my instagram and saw some friends's posted their activity that related to their major. I'd remember to my last task where I didn't really gave my best to do it. Like it was all for 'I should pass this thing'. I'm not curious enough to do something related to it.
I feel bad for them who really wanted to go study this major but couldn't do it just because my test score is slightly greater than them. You might ask me, "Why did you take that in the first place?"
Let me tell you,
I literally choose different major in every tests form.
Because I really don't know what I really want. Even if I know I don't know mom would like it or not. Does it meet her standard or no.
And if I really know what I really want, will I be able to do it properly?
If you say 'You should do what interest you' well,
I love music.
But I only know how to play violin and a little bit of guitar. Even my violin play is just a so so. Nothing would give you goosebump or what. I'm having a hard times reading notes. All this time I played by hearing (and it's not that perfect match with the actual notes). I don't have good voice. I heard from my best friend that took music as her major and she said "You should be able to sing. Because it's basic and they're testing it on their entrance exam" I don't even like my voice. lol.
I really messed up things.
Being a thinking machine is really not good. Because you literally can't stop thinking.
I need to talk to someone who I believe that he will makes me calm down a bit. But will he still hear me out?
What makes me even more conflicted that my mom said that I should believe on what's God has given me because maybe He has His own plan for me.
But you know, this might be a sin if i say this but
maybe I have a low faith. But it doesn't mean I doubt Him or doesn't believe in Him.
Maybe I just can't accept things the way it is?
God, I've sinned.
