Dilemma.

Hello people,

So yeah, I'm having a dilemma. 

Never ending dilemma.

This is not for me to write something like this, but,

I will.

Because I need to let out this feelings (?)

SOOOOOOO,

There is this boy who likes me.

I don't know it for sure, because I heard it from a friend

At first, I don't really believe it because.. I don't know.. every time people said something like that I've never believe it. Maybe because it's my trust issue? OR I'M TOO DENSE. (A lot of them says I'm that dense. lol. I'm sorry people)

But, after she said that, I do kinda feel it.. .-. 

He take care of me..

I mean, 

He would ask me where I am, do I need him to pick me up or take me home, telling me to eat properly, etc. 

The problem is.................... WE HAVE DIFFERENT BELIEFS.

(Ehm. So. I live in a country where people have strong beliefs towards their religion and relationship between different believer is a big no no)

And.... I haven't completely move on from the last one..

Well actually, I don't know my own feelings.

The boy I liked told me he had found someone who is special to him.

"Oh.. he found someone else. He has move on.. maybe I should too.."

That's what I thought. I also don't want to be stuck. So I tried.

But, he has the same problem with me.

He and his girl crush have different beliefs............................

We're kinda in the same situation.

He even asked me what should he do. 

Well.. I don't know? 

Should I open my heart or keep waiting?

Should you keep chasing her or give up?

I DON'T KNOW MYSELF DUDE.

First Semester : DONE

SO.
I'M ON MY HOLIDAY YEAY.

I survived on first semester aye.

Remember my last post?
About the soaked class assignment?

EVERYONE GOT A GOOD SCORE AHAHHA.
Fiuh.
I thought the prof won't accept it AHAHHA :(

I'm relieved :')))

Hm I don't know what should I write next..
I do have one but meh I won't destroy my happy mood.
So,

Have a good day!

Kids Playing on A Pool of Water

Hi guys.

It's unlikely to post something in this hour,
but I have to write now while I have the time.

So yesterday was the deadline time for an assignment.
The lecturer wanted only one person to submit all of the student's assignment.
Being a kindhearted she is, my friend volunteered.

Around 4 p.m she asked me to go to a printing store to bind all the assignment because she still busy with something

So I and my other friend decided to go.
But
It was cloudy.
Just after my friend took his motorcycle from the parking lot, it started to rain.
At first we were still gonna go because it wasn't a heavy one.
Just when I sat on the backseat it poured heavily. So we decided not to.

We went back to where my friend is

Now how am I supposed to describe this

So there is something like stair without a roof there, I don't know what it's called but, to get to where my friend is, we have to go through it.
Not wanting the paper to get wet, my friend asked me to cover it with his helmet. (It's only a A5 paper size).
"Let me"
So I gave the papers to him
BUT
WE DIDN'T CONNECT (?)
OUR HANDS MISSED
AND ALL OF THE PAPER FELL DOWN
ON
A
POOL
OF WATER.

We laugh. While panicked.
"HAHAHA OH MY GOD WHAT SHOULD WE DO"
"DAMN IT HAHAHA OH PLEASE DON'T CRY AA DON'T MAKE ME PANIC"
"I'M NOT CRYING AAAA"

Fortunately, there are seniors helping us. We were allowed to enter their studio.
"What are these?"
"... our assignment"
"Oh my god. You guys okay? Sit here okayy while waiting for the rain to stop. Here use this to dry the paper"
"You know what I thought you two are kids playing on a pool of water hahaha"

There are like five papers that got soaked and faded.
But we have the soft file :')


Oh and by the way we didn't tell the whole class. lol
Good night guys.

Got Too Emotional

Finally.
My hectic days are gonna end soon.

A lot happened during this past few weeks.

I was tired of everything.
I cried in front of my circle-friends which I'd never been done before.
It was so embarrassing. Hah.

Then, my friend fought,
and I cried again. In front a lot of people,
Because these guys had done a lot. Had working hard for everything and everyone and then there is this guy who didn't appreciate their work.
I cried because I was hurt by how he didn't have the respect to people who had done something for him. And there is this one guy I respect as a big brother who actually the one that almost got hit by him.

It was kinda my fault.
I saw them bickered but I didn't stop them.
I knew they were gonna start fighting the moment that guy start yelling.

I'd never cry for other people before.
Maybe I got too emotional for the past few weeks.
I'm so tired.

Good night people.

Does My Heart Still There?

Gah.
This keeps on going inside my head.

So a couple days ago, that guy suddenly chatted me, after a long time,

"Hey, can I ask you something embarrassing?"

The chat went on and on and he asked me

"This is actually embarrassing so I'm just gonna use Japanese term.. okay?. Uhm- so.. What's the difference between 'suki' and 'koi' "

After I gave him my opinion,
He told me,
"So there is this girl I like.."

The thing is, normal people would feel a broken heart.
But I don't feel a thing.
Emptiness got over me.
No, I don't have a broken heart. Because I don't feel hurt. It's just-- I don't feel anything.
I'd asked myself, "Do I still like him?" But after then I asked myself, "Do you ever like him in the first place? Or you just misunderstood between 'admires' and 'like', the like when you fall for someone.

Wait, I kinda out of topic.
What I mean is,
I'm afraid that I really can't feel anything anymore.
Because these past months I've been endure my own feelings.

I'm not a religious one but I've asked God many times to let me know when should I stop to hold on. Because I have a heavy trust issue. And maybe this is how God told me. Maybe I should stop waiting for him?

Laziness&Complain

Hey guys.

So I'm in my super lazy mode.

I procrastinate a lot today.

I do my uni task half heartedly.

I don't know maybe because I don't like the subject?
I do like it actually... it's just sometimes I don't know what to do? And I can't really get along with my own teammates hu. I know it's all my fault :(( not liking the subject and not really get along. IT IS ALL MY FAULT. And now I'm complaining my own fault.

Lately I've been complaining a lot.
And I know it's bad.

Really bad.
I don't even know since when did it started. Ha.

I'm gonna do another task now.

Night people.

Doubt 2

I'M DOUBTING MYSELF FOR 10000000x TIMES NOW.

I know. Doubting yourself is really bad.
I think I didn't do well in 'knowing who you really are'
Because I don't know about myself.

Maybe it was just me being so stressed up over something,
Maybe I was too doubtful,
I don't believe in myself.
I don't have any confident.

I'd always ask myself,
"Do you really can do it?"
But never told myself,
"I can do it"

I know it's wrong and I should do something.
Even though I know what I should do but never do anything.

I'm being consume with my own feelings.


I should stop writing.
This is too depressing for me.
Maybe I should've find a psychiatrist or something.


Night people.

Test?

Hello,

I've decided to join orchestra in uni.
It's still a new club though.. whatever I'm finally happy to come back playing violin with many people and instruments! :'D

I've yet a member. I'm still a candidate *sob* I hope I pass the test :'
I'm not confident with my self. ah~
Moreover I missed communicate with the committee..
It was my fault for not asking them clearly about the test material.
But thanks to a friend who 'accidentally' told me everything he knew :')
I'm so glad you even asked that for me though you're a saxo player :')

It's getting late and I haven't even get any idea to do uni tasks. huh.

Night people.

Feelings.

Hey.

I actually don't know what title should I type. Because today, my post will be kinda random.

So what's in my mind right now is,

I just realized, whenever I'm in my 'anxiety' state, MY COLORING SKILL LEVEL UP

(I'm sorry. Bad english. I know)
I'm not saying that I have good skill in coloring. (Or maybe I have?)

I like colors. Though my life isn't colorful. I really like coloring since kindergarten. I used to participated in coloring competition a lot. But since coloring category was only for age between 5-10 years old once I hit 11 years I couldn't participated in coloring anymore and I don't really like drawing. So I stopped.

It's not that I don't like drawing, I'm way more enjoy in coloring. So yea.

And I was just thinking, maybe having this feelings is not that bad.

BCS MY COLORING SKILL IS BECOMING ASDAS I don't know. 

It just turned out so nice. And I really like it.

Sure, the feelings always making me hella sad. But then I'll get this power (?) so I don't mind.. lol.

My drawing is not good. But I like my coloring style. ;) (lol. How confident)

Oh and by the way,

I'm playing this game called Mystic Messenger.

I HOPE I GET 707 ROUTE,

BCS HE IS TOTALLY A JERK-CUTIE-PIE.

And I easily attracted to guys with glasses and smart. lol.

Smart is the new sexy. Eh?

Doubt.

Hey how's your day?
Mine was kinda suck. I went out today to downtown but it ruined my mood.

By the way,
Doubt.

I've this feeling recently to my crush because a really long and complicated reason.
I began to doubt him.
Not that I don't trust him. (Well kinda actually)

We've been friend since first year of high school.
I don't want to be too confident or what but I feel like he kinda give me back 'that' signal.
I was happy at first. I really did. (IF YOU HAPPEN TO READ THIS AND KNOW WHO I AM. YES I AM HAPPY) But after that 'long-and-complicated-story' started,
I feel like, sometimes, when we chat, he doesn't feel like himself anymore.

He once asked me on last national holiday.

"Hey, are you coming home?"
"I'm not. Why?"
"Why?? Come home"

I don't know but the tone is half-heartedly.
It doesn't feel like him.
It's not like him.

And why do I feel like that?
You know all of it when you've talked a lot with someone right?
You just have the feelings
You just have the hunch.

And I hope that my hunch is wrong.

Good night people.

My Heart Melt.

I don't know what should I titled this.

So I was looking through instagram because I was really bored.
And I saw my friend posted a picture with his bestfriend (which is a girl, but I bet they like each other)
He's gonna study abroad and he wrote this in his caption.

"Hey, if you ever come,

See you soon in a few years okay. Go get a cumlaude title.
Nah, kidding. Just graduate in time (I would be happy tho if you get one). And wish me luck too.

Because I'm lazy to get back here and the plane's ticket is really expensive I hope you would come here someday. I would be really glad too if you bring me food for my monthly-needs. lol.

G*8*, gate **, C**-A**, * October <- If you have the time, come to the airport, I will wait you there, it's our last meet, please be fast "

HOW LUCKY SHE IS.
I don't know why but I found it really sweet :')
It really touched my heart :')
My heart melt :')
I'm sorry.
I really need to write this. It's really sweet :')))

And let me tell you, he is really kind to everyone.
He has this aura that kinda make you like to be around him.
He is a good and smart leader.
He is a really kind and gentle guy.
Like really kind and cute and sweet in his own way.

I hope you two have a good life.
Have a sweet life.
Wish you all the best the world can give.

And have a good night readers.

Current Condition.

I'm having my bad thought again.

It happens almost every night before I go to sleep.

Well it's not literally a bad thought.. I don't know what to call-- You know that feeling when you just feel uneasy towards nothing. I would feel sad for no reason. I've hard time sleeping and on the next day I would feel so tired. 

I don't even know what's wrong with me.

I've search on the internet and haven't found anything. 

Should I consult to a pyschiatrist or something?

Because I don't know how to stop it. And it really annoys me. 

Okay, 

Night people.

NEW UNI STUDENT!

Ayee! Finally I'm a uni student!

I didn't get the uni I really wanted :')
But maybe this is what's best for me :')
(STILL SAD UHHH)

I was hoping I could get that uni huhu but yaa I know it's like everyone's most wanted uni :')
It was like 35.000 people took the tests. Hella 35.000 people and I choose one of the most wanted faculty.

Architecture.

Damn it.

But whatever. I'd passed another test and got accepted in where I am right now.
So yeah. I should be grateful :)
Night people.

p.s : Sorry for the late updated. I was busy moving out to another town. Woah.

New Page

Hey!
So this is my new page.
My last blog is full of trash. lol.
Unfortunately, it had a lot of old stories which I do want to re-read again in the years ahead. So it's kinda hard to delete it. (Plus, I don't know how to)
Starting today this is gonna be my new page and IF you happen (which is not) curious which was my old blog,
Don't be.
Cause most of it is a trash.

Night, people.